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A Discovery of Witches: A Novel (All Souls Trilogy)

A Discovery of Witches - Deborah Harkness Yeah. Vampires doing yoga.


Seriously, I don't have time for this shit.

They need to post a picture of this book on a billboard behind an Absolut bottle with the caption "Absolut Crap"


===4/26 UPDATE===
I was sooo disappointed in this book. I really like world building and mythology within a book-built world. For example, I really loved [b:The Vampire Lestat|43814|The Vampire Lestat (The Vampire Chronicles, #2)|Anne Rice|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1347515742s/43814.jpg|3241580] and some of [a:Stephen King|3389|Stephen King|http://d.gr-assets.com/authors/1362814142p2/3389.jpg]'s work, so I felt like this should have been a richly built, character driven book. I got excited at first with the explanations of the 4 types of beings, and the enchanted book.

But then the whole thing collapsed into ridiculousness.

My first tingle of trouble was with the banal description of Diana's family history - a tactic that I always find amateurish - why dedicated whole pages to a description of a back-story when you can weave it in? But I was willing to give that a pass; sometimes an author just wants to get it out of the way.

My next tremble of unease was with the first description Diana's rowing after the description of her jog. I thought it was a little much - I mean pages of this crap just to explain that Diana is antsy and needs to blow off steam. But, again, I gave it a pass; maybe now that the author has described the overwhelming ants-in-her-pants feeling Diana experienced, the author would think we got the picture and we could all move on.

THEN, I literally LOL'd when the author sprung the yoga class on me. First of all, the notion is funny, which I don't think the author intended seeing how sincere she was in her (very detailed) descriptions of downward facing dogs. I knew there was something seriously wrong at this point - when you laugh at an artist's sincerity..well....it can't get much worse than that.

But my tipping point was the pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages of food and wine and tea and wine and smelling the wine and pondering the wine and swirling the wine and choosing the wine and buying the wine and ... AAAAH! I just wanted to shove a pencil in my eye socket to put myself out of my misery. Instead, I snapped the book shut and huffed over to my laptop to tell the world (Goodreads) what absolut crap this book is. (It did help, btw, to write it for the world to see. I feel much better now!)

Oh! And the other thing that really pissed me off was that the book is marketed as Paranormal Fantasy. It isn't. It's Paranormal Romance. False marketing, totally. I don't like being duped.

====ANOTHER THOUGHT (yes, this book pissed me off this much)====

You know, so many people got all lathered up in their hatred of [b:Fifty Shades of Grey|10818853|Fifty Shades of Grey (Fifty Shades, #1)|E.L. James|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1358266215s/10818853.jpg|15732562]. I've read scathing reviews of that book that go on and on about how it's misogynistic, it's bad writing, it's bad for feminists. I mean, these reviews are sincere and passionate and detailed - some of them were dissertations, some of them were rants, all of them were serious.

I never 'got' how upset people could get over that book. That book was never meant to be serious. It was never meant to be a statement on femininity or relationships or on culture or anything else - it wasn't meant to be a statement at all. It's a sexual fantasy - period. The writing was beside the point - it didn't have to be good, it just had to be titillating. The thing I find funny about these oh-so-sincere reviews is that those readers read the book from a sincere standpoint when the book was not trying to be anything but lady porn. Those reviews of that book are the equivalent of film majors critiquing Debbie Does Dallas - it's just irrelevant.

I'm saying all of this not because I liked the book (I didn't), but because the passionate responses full of hatred is an enigma to me.

But this book...well. This book was trying to be sincere. This book took itself seriously. This book wanted to be well-written and well-researched. AND this book is a fraud. This book dupes lovers of the fantasy genre into cracking open its covers when where this book really belongs is in a drugstore next to (much shorter) paperbacks with titles like [b:One Secret Night|16000924|One Secret Night|Yvonne Lindsay|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1354847636s/16000924.jpg|21762362] and [b:Beauty And The Reclusive Prince|7697929|Beauty And The Reclusive Prince (Harlequin Romance)|Raye Morgan|http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1348544314s/7697929.jpg|10383751].

I wanted witches and daemons and vampires. What i got was a sexless Ana Steele with staticky hair. Diana was just as powerless, wimpy, and, yes, stupid as Ana. She SAYS she resents Matthews trying to protect her, and then she CALLS HIM TO PROTECT HER! She insists on opening her own car door and then she cooks for him. She even mirrors Ana's infuriating false modesty - she can't help it, she was born that way: beautiful/powerful/smart, blah blah blah. And I dare anyone to say Matthew isn't Christian Grey/Edward Cullen.

Goddamit, if I wanted to read a romance novel, I damn well would have picked one up. If this book were advertised as romance, I still would have made fun of it, but I wouldn't be feel so goddam ripped off. THIS book deserves passionate, sincere, and scathing reviews.